I've been meaning to publish this for awhile, as so many people I've spoken to lately derive such immense enjoyment from this list. Here, then, is part of a letter sent to me by Poet.
Poet's Guide to Human Generalisation & Stereotyping
Level One: The Douchebag
Level Two: The Scum of the Earth
Level Three: Rat Bastards (and bastardly variations thereof)
Level Four: "Its rude to be alive when no one wants you to."
Level Five: Good People
Level Six: "Nice smell, perfect teeth, a class act all the way."
Level Seven: The Boy
The vast majority of people, in my humble opinion, are scum of the earth. Most kids, up until about the time they hit university, are plain old bastards. Once they're about 20, they'll either become more scum of the earth, or, if they are particularly gifted, they may advance to be simple drains on resources and space. The worst ones, who truly work at it, fall as far low as to be fucking douchebags. No one ever has to be told that someone is a douchebag. It is known. Like gravity.
Good people, well, those are the kind of people that I don't mind that they hang around. Most of my friends and acquaintances fall into this category. Nothing against them. Quite the opposite. If, hypothetically, I ever became Prime Minister, they would all get patronage appointments to the Senate or the CBC or all kinds of government grants and unnecessary contracts.
Class Act kind of people are you, Preacher, Palaver, Seth, St. Stephen and a handful of others. Not many, but its always been about quality.
And then there's the Boy, in a class all by himself.
Today I went to see a psychic. No, that sounds wrong; like I set off for a dark parlour with a neon palm in the window. I was at my gym, buying personal training sessions and taking advantage of a one-day-only low price. Why was the price so low, you ask? Why, because it was member appreciation day, of course! They also had a spa lady in (could've got rid of that pesky moustache) and a psychic. Palm readings were fifteen dollars, the exact amount if cash I had on hand. So I went to see the nice Weird Sister.
I was pretty amused/amazed by the experience. She talked to me, looked at my hands, looked at my eyes, and dispensed a lot of very solid advice mixed in with the future predictions. She asked me if I'd ever done this before, and I said that a crazy hooker had held my head for 20 minutes and told me any number of outrageous lies. But I supposed that didn't really count.
Some highlights:
- I am an 'old soul,' full of wisdom and likely to be good in a teaching situation.
- My creativity will be the source of much joy and satisfaction as long as I stick with it and not get discouraged by apparent lack of success
- My relationship lines are strong, but there is turbulence ahead because of a lack of communication.
- I was under a lot of stress (this showed up in my life line) and I needed to relax because worrying wasn't helping.
- Any success I make in life will not be immense, but it will be entirely earned.
- There are jealous people around me who say sweet things to my face and lies behind my back; this is a problem because I like to be as honest as I possibly can.
- A move fairly soon that will seem bad, but will bring more room and a better financial situation.
- Money troubles will improve next year; I'll be doing the same job but have more money.
- A vacation with lots of people very soon, close to home and full of laughter.
- Family and responsibility ahead; no birth defects.
She was pleased to hear that I was a teacher (at the end of the reading, that is - I didn't give it away when she was talking), and was very surprised to hear that I was pregnant (she said it didn't show in my hands). I left feeling good about myself and sure that I could deal with any problems in the future. It was good.
