Well, this is it. The big day.

I try to comfort myself by reflecting on the fact that for all intents and purposes (except taxation, I suppose), I'm already a mother. Whether the baby is inside me or outside me, I've been making decisions that will help the Sprout for months. Birth is a non-trivial event, of course. I'm just trying to remind myself that I'm not going from zero to mama, from club kid to stepford wife. I was never much of a club kid to begin with, anyway.

It's snowing where I am: big buckets of wet unlovely snow. Except that the first few snowfalls are pretty wonderful even if they're soggy and clumpy. The pristine, Christmas card, sledding snow will come soon enough. Today the snow is more enthusiasm than charm. Reminds me of me.

I spent the whole afternoon cleaning & straightening. I'm unsure if this is "nesting" or just "my stuff is everywhere and it's driving me crazy." Ever since we moved in there's been a reef of clothes and diapers against the crib just waiting for the day when my dad would take his belt sander to the baby dresser drawers.* Last night he sanded, so there are no more piles & baskets of baby linen cluttering up the area around the crib. You can find a receiving blanket or baby underwear in 10 seconds or less. What's more, you can actually walk to the crib and put a baby inside there, should you so desire. That's kind of thrilling.

Other improvements were small but immensely satisfying. I made the bed, adding a blanket for extra warmth. We hauled in a clothes hamper yesterday, so the "work sock" themed décor has changed for the better. I cleaned out one of the kitchen cabinets of its hardware flotsam and stocked it with baby bath gear. This frees up 2 shelves of the baby bookshelf for more books and a little stereo on which to play soothing womb sounds (no joke: Nic bought us that CD for my birthday. It's wicked soothing.) I sorted through the clothes donated by Maggie, and found a place to store them until the Sprout gets big enough to wear the various items. I used a stain marker to "fix" the scratches on the top of my cheapass pine dresser. I started to put books in the second bookshelf, creating sections for "philosophy," "religion," "Elizabethan Drama," "children's" and "Phillip K. Dick." (If you've ever been to my house, you'll know why I need a separate category for the man.)

Yep. I worked my ass off. I stood on my feet for so long that my sciatica kicked in, which is very rare unless I'm running errands in the outside world and absolutely can't sit down for some reason. I'm very satisfied with myself.

* My grandfather painted the dresser white & yellow to match the room, but we didn't realize that using wall paint on wood would create zones of high flakiness wherever the wood rubbed. We became afraid that the flakes would drop into the clothes and be absorbed into the Sprout forthwith, which made pre-washing the clothes pretty pointless. So I've had a lovely baby dresser just screaming to be used, but standing empty for 2 weeks.

I woke up this morning and realized that right now I love the Boy more than I've ever loved him. More than Golden Age Boy, when, let's face it, I didn't really know him and a great deal of what I loved was a fantastical projection. Now I can say that after 3 years of sharing a bed, a bathroom and occasionally a single suitcase, the almost painfully intense love that I feel is more genuine than ever.

Why now? I really don't know. Could be the imminent Sprout. Could be the relief I feel every day when he comes home and saves me from the bitterness and anger that boil out of my head just dealing with my family. Could be the feeling that after 2 years of dating & 3 years of marriage, we're just finally getting to the good part.

I really don't know. And I really don't care what the reason is. I'm content to bask.

Booty Call: Day 266 - You have now completed 38 wks gestation! Length: about 20-21 inches from head to toe. Weight: about 7 1/2 lbs.

2 years ago today: everything starts to fall apart