September 6, 1998.

Well, my first party is over & done with. *Heave a big sigh of relief* That's better. All in all, it went off pretty well. There were a few noticable hitches, however: I couldn't find the wedding slides to display during the cutting of the cake, I bought way too much champagne, and I let my parents irritate me a few times thus ruining my perfect hostess veneer. But everybody seemed to have a good time. Nobody went hungry, the kids didn't destroy any object or each other, and Trevor wasn't submitted to x-ray scrutiny by my kin. They did tease him about his outfit, tho'...and I must admit that he did look rather like a zoo keeper in his beige shirt. No fights, no insults & a few unexpected guests (happily so. I haven't seen my Aunt Ro & Uncle Brian in 5 years).

Although I was the actual hostess, most guests seem to think that the real hostess was my mother, so I was free of a lot of random attention...which I enjoy, tell truth. It meant that I could coordinate the food while my mother was "on." The pool was lovely & warm, so I spent some hostess time swishing around...but by then, the party had reached critical mass, and people were taking care of everything that needed to be taken care of. There wasn't room for me in the kitchen by the time the barbecue got started, so I just took myself elsewhere. As I was saying to Stacy on Bauhaus night (after I'd cozened a virtual stranger into doing makeup on my boy), I've got the kitten-in-a-well demeanor down perfectly. Tends to hide the fact that I can handle most things myself, if not well.

Everyone said they had a lovely time...but they all left as soon as the disco music came on. It's one way to clear a room, I suppose.

I really want a full night's sleep sometime soon. I was up much earlier than I'd wanted to be this morning, as I have to rent a steam cleaner to get my new bedroom carpet clean. When last I visited, the girl who's currently living there had at least 2 bags of popcorn strewn around the floor on top of papers, books, clothing etc. It was utterly disgusting...and I used to hang out at 89 Brunswick & Palaver's house pre-roommates, so I'm no stranger to squalor. If I want to walk around barefoot with a clear mind, I need to suck up all the accumulated microbes. Who knows how long it's been since the place was cleaned??

I'm kind of depressed about the whole potential experience overall. When we were in Aegis' room last week, Judith was in Ikea buying furniture for the apartment she's sharing with Veronica & Dar. If you cast your mind back 5 months or so, you'll recall that Veronica, Judith & I were supposed to share a place. They weren't even going to look for a 3-person house. Overall, I feel like I lost...they dumped me & I found a place that sucks, while they got a beautiful house. And I feel bad for feeling bad. I'm not living in a crack den. I don't have to commute from Brampton. And I'm close to a bunch of people...so I shouldn't feel rotten about the rent & the squalor & my depressed unemployed roommate & the distance to campus. I'm such a spoiled little brat for feeling bad, nu?

I thought some of my depression would go away once the stress of the party was over & done with. Guess again.

one year ago today: my life is ass