I've never liked this house of my parents. I know that sounds like worst kind of Morissey-fed crap cliché, but it's true. We moved here - and I use the word "we" extremely loosely - during my first year of university. I always thought it was a bit of a dirty trick: I grew up in a little house, imprinting my youth on certain streets and front lawns and schools and bushes, and when I go away to live in Toronto, they take away the comfortable home environment. The substitute is deathly quiet, a neighbourhood of retired folk and well-heeled young families very well-behaved toddlers. My brother received several noise summons in the first year for playing drums in the basement; eventually he gave up in disgust and practiced in other places. I was given the small room, on the theory that I wouldn't be here very much anyway. Hah. I was back every summer for 4 months, and I moved back for 13 months before I got married. I've always felt squeezed, outgrown, unnecessary, stressed and put out here. This has never been my home, just a place where they have to take me in. Believe me, there's a difference.

I'm thinking these thoughts as I hide out for a weekend. The Boy is off collecting mushrooms in Algonquin Park, so I have to avoid FCN by any means necessary. On Friday morning, as I ached from a long night filling out report cards and a scant 4 hours sleep, I packed my bag for three days. Now, instead of hearing FCN's insane banging below me, I'm trying to do my homework in my former bedroom as my father & his brother rip up the basement. I have a murderous headache and I'm tired of running from room to room to escape the noises of hammers, televised ballgames and soi-dit "punk" music. I miss my Boy like crazy - I always feel more needy when I'm suffering, I guess. My only compensation is that I know he misses me just as much. It's wonderful to be loved.

But. I'm tired of being in a place where I can't be my own mistress - I'm tired after half a day and we plan to be here for a year and a half! Longer if the Boy can't get into teacher's college!

Good Christ. Why? Oh yeah. Money, see "totally lacking." I just wish I didn't feel compelled to chose between being extremely poor (and likely miserable) and being comfortable, yet powerless and discontent.

5 years ago today: little tiny penguins