Report Card Day!

Last period I was swarmed by ill-mannered brats, demanding to know why their poor performance in class & constant inattention translated into a low mark. Heavens! Didn't I know that they were getting a 75 in Math?! Didn't I know that they had to get into university?! Didn't I know that (here it comes) IT'S NOT FAAAAAIIR!!!!

Makes me wish that I'd gone with the original draft of my comments in some cases.

Your son is a barely literate moron who spends all of his time trying to grope the girls around him. When he is not engaged in this harassment, he is asleep. When he is not asleep, he is whining about my unfairness.

Your daughter is a brazen-faced liar who leaves the room on a plausible reason and remains out for half the period. She has skipped every test given but two. She wants to know why she is failing.

Your son is always stoned. Please send a pillow with him in the morning - a good hour's rest is the most he'll get from my class this semester. Bow to the inevitable.

Your daughter has skipped 11 classes and failed to hand in the term's major assignment. She is puzzled as to why she is failing. She seems to think that it's personal.

Your son is a lazy ass who requires a cattle prod to get him working. He is easily one of the brightest pupils in the room. Nevertheless, he will not be getting his credit until he wipes the smirk off his face and stops bothering the girls around him.

Your daughter is a mean little sneak. Keep her at home; the world is not safe from her poisonous attitude and extreme laziness.

And the most common comment I wanted to give:

Your son/daughter is a spoiled jackass who does not deserve public education. Home schooling is recommended; you need a chance to grow acquainted with your little monster, as you have obviously not bothered to civilize the brat before sending him/her into the world. Have a nice day.