may 30, 2000.

When I started this job, I was neutral about the whole proposition. I kind of hate the first little while in any job, when I'm still feeling out the boundaries and keeping entirely to myself. Then I started really enjoying my time. I walked in with a spring in my step and a smile on my lips.

Now I'm starting to hate it.

Let me explain, hopefully in the least technical way possible. I had approximately 3 full days training in my position before my predecessor got the hell out of Dodge. After that, I worked my butt off trying to figure out everything, with almost no lateral support until Julie Gloom showed up. I have put more effort into this job than any before, effort that includes time, creativity & determination to stick through a bunch of repetitive tasks. And things go wrong, as things inevitably do. One thing in particular has been going wrong every week, and nobody in the department can figure out why. My boss - also new, also learning as he goes along - has been coping with this recurring problem by asking favours of the higher-up computer people. One of them used to be my boss on the weekend assignment that knew no ending, and this week she wrote that she was not going to do this any more. "If your temp needs retraining," she continued, "please schedule it."

Boy, was I angry when I read that. I've been doing my not-inconsiderable best with the scanty resources I was given, working for a temp's wages and for a temp's respect (i.e. close to zero and zero), and now I'm getting blamed for a department-wide issue. I don't need retraining, what I need is competent lateral support and a supervisor who doesn't refer the blame to me when his temporary solution runs out.

This has been a hell of a week all told. As soon as I walked in the door on Monday, I was depressed by the idea that Julie Gloom wouldn't be there in the next cubical. At one stroke I've lost my best professional support and my best informal contact at work. What's worse, I had a new dress on and there was no one to admire it. She can't possibly want a fulfilling job more than she wants to listen to me talk. No one can.

I think I've hit a plateau in terms of wedding preparations. Finally, finally enough decisions have been made to let me relax. I printed out the invitations on Sunday, and they're just gorgeous. They're going to turn out so well that I can hardly believe it. It's very important to me that my clothes and the invitation paper be top notch, as I have only two real fetishes: fabulous formal wear and perfect stationary.

On a related topic, I saw Alexi on the way out of the mall two days ago, and I managed to act like less of a moron than usual. Then again, I was dog tired and not noticing much; Little Spider later asked if something was wrong but it was just staying up late for Opera Sarah's birthday party, getting up early for church and following my parents through a 2-hour mall odyssey. Zeus himself would have mumbled & stared at his shoes, or so I'd like to think.

Another tangent: Sarah's party. I was feeling a bit snubbed that night, as there seems to have been many fun things going on lately that I didn't know about at the time. Oh well, I console myself, they'll miss me when I'm gone. At any rate, I crashed Opera Sarah's party with Scott & Stacy and was just in time to miss Q & Pixie. But I did catch a good 3 hours of Drunken Rat, and it was worth the trip. At one point he dared me to drink the raspberry wine, prompting this dialogue:

"You don't want to dare me unless you really want to see me drink it. Last week I ate some of my brother's shaving cream."
stunned silence all around the table
"Why?"
"He dared me."

I also enjoyed Noizangel's presence, as she sought me out & began talking to me right away. I found that very refreshing, as the porch was filled with people that weren't saying a word to me though I knew them all - Josh, Jen, Allie, Disco Stu (well, Disco always talks to me, I can't lie. But everybody else.) I felt very little. But like I said, Noizangel was interested in hanging out and I had Scott & Stacy and the Drunken Rat so I suppose I shouldn't complain. Again, they'll miss me when I'm gone. I think.

But the absolute best part of the party came when I was making small talk with Opera Sarah about the ceremony music. "I'll sing for free," she chirped. "And I want to come even if I don't get to sing." I was overwhelmed. I'd always secretly wanted Opera Sarah to sing at the service ever since I heard her at the Christmas party, but I couldn't figure out a way to ask. To have her offer like that was, well, overwhelming. I won't know who to watch during my processional - the Boy or Sarah singing "Ave Maria."