November 20, 1998.

I screwed up the wording on the last entry, and I'm sorry. So just to clear up any misconceptions (and there were a few angry ones expressed to my mailbox), I didn't burn myself for anyone's attention. The statements were separate. I just put them together without really paying attention to what I was doing. And I'm sorry. I really am.

And just for the record, I know how stupid it was. A few close friends have threatened to kick my ass should I ever do such a thing again; their anger shutting off my protests that I don't want to do it again. It hurt. It was dumb. The horrified attention I get isn't worth it. Finito.

In other news, 2 very amazing things happened. Well, three.

The first is that things have gotten radically better between Trevor & myself in the last 24 hours. While we were giving back stuff, I managed to choke out my new theory about the problem...a theory completely different from the one I offered a few days ago. Then I needed to hate him. After I let that go, I was able to think clearly. And part of it was dumb need: I needed to believe that he had actually loved me when he said so over the last few months that I simply refused to believe otherwise. Once I made that assumption, a lot of things fell into place.

And I was right.

Somehow we went from a hysterical tableaux where I huddled on the floor, clutching my stomach and weeping hysterically, to a hug of solace. Then more tears, words words words, tears, gentle touches meant to solace, tears and then peace. I don't think I've ever felt such an amazing emotional reversal in my life. It wasn't like a giddy rush of hope, it was just like there was a tiny seed of despair in my chest. When we talked, it grew up, flowered & died, dripping petals & rotting quickly. It was almost worth the 3 days of near-insanity to feel the sticky, meltiness of hope again.

So we're still not going out. But this time, we'll spend time apart productively. I already know what I want, but I'm willing to wait until he does.

How sappy.

The second thing occurred right on the heels of the first. As I came in from yesterday's final, my mom called. One of her brothers just died. She'd been afraid of telling me, thinking that it would push me over some edge. But after a week of depression, a serious booze-up, a horrible break-up, 3 days of rage & pain & insanity, followed by perhaps the best hour of my life to date (perhaps only in contrast to what had gone before but still), I had nothing left to feel with. My only response was laughter, because that was the only reaction I haven't depleted lately.

Yes, I'm a horrible person. But wait, there's more.

The third is that I have been forced to accept the existence of a cabal who wishes me ill. I suspect that Tiger Lily & Cranly are members, although this is merely speculation. What I do know is that my bad news gets around awfully fast, and that there are people who hate me who read this journal. There are people glorying in my defeats. And the worst thing is that I have to cauterize the infection to make it better.

So. Ahem:

I, Tisiphone, am resigning my online journal.

I apologize in advance to those who will write me with sadness. All I can say is that a few dumb, twisted fucks screwed things up for everybody. I cannot go onto campus anymore knowing that somebody thinks I'm good gossip. They can get fucked.

The possibility exists that I will create a password-protected journal, but I doubt it. I know that there will be a period in which I cannot stop writing entries...and I'm not adverse to sending those out at the end of the week via email. But that will last a month at best. I simply cannot do this anymore.

Sorry.