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November 18, 1998.Okay, so I lied. It was just a stupid over-reaction. Maybe I was trying to exert control over the depiction of my life, as I couldn't control my actual life. Maybe I was trying to hurt a bunch of people I've never met by pulling the plug, just as I threatened Trevor with suicide on the first night of the breakup. Maybe I was trying to get your attention. Me - this afternoon I spent 10 minutes burning myself with a stick of incense. - conversation of last night But I do want yours.
So. I spent the day trying to concentrate on the essay due this evening, alternating periods of lucidity with periods of...inattention, I guess. Hours where I could do nothing but play FreeCell or talk on the phone or read books I've read before. I kept it together pretty well...I didn't cry until I realized that he wasn't coming over to pick up his stuff. I just lacked closure. Sister Sunshine rushed over from the Varsity when I called her up weeping, and she commiserated. I think we're going to spend more time together now. I don't know if I like the trade-off at this point, but there's nothing I can do about it. Perhaps I'll be more gracious & grateful in a few days. Pulled myself together in short order for lunch with my mom...which was probably the most amazing thing I've ever done. I was incredibly hung-over, sad, tired & confused when she rang the bell. I'd just finished telling Galadrial, and crying a bit. But somehow I went from 0 to perky in 30 seconds, dressing & conversing without noticeable amounts of angst. I knew it had to be a good performance, as I had yet to tell her I wouldn't be going to teacher's college next year. Told her that over grinders...and she reacted so well that I trusted her with the second piece of news. As the lunch went on, I told her about the defection of Tiger Lily & Cranly to the forces of evil, thus depressing her beyond measure. She was under the impression that I lived in the center of a huge social network that would bear me up in times of crises. I do, it's just not the same as last year. Plus all you online people. I'll be fine. Just before I went to bed, I called him, seeking closure. And I got it. I think I figured out why, beyond the reasons that he ungraciously allowed me to cozen out of him. And I think I know why everything will be better shortly. But I'm going to have to change narrative canoes at this point. I wish to make judgements based on my own pain. Therefore I strongly urge mutual friends to go away. You probably don't want to know. |
