may 15, 2000.Something weird happened to me this morning. I woke up feeling normal for a Monday morning - i.e. like someone had kicked my head in during the night. But by the time I got to work, I was excited & happy. It suddenly struck me as I walked through the lobby that I like my job. It's not like I'm doing meaningful or challenging tasks, but at least I can do them. Plus I get a place to sit, a phone number to give out to my friends, and a cubical wall upon which I can affix Fireball photos. "Yep, life is a pretty sweet fruit."
Fighting with my mother tonight. I've tried the passive approach lately, and it's been working alright. The thing about my parents is that they can't let anything wait. When they get an idea or remember a task, it has to be done immediately. Needless to say, as an adult living with two such parents, we occasionally run into difficulties deciding what is my own business and what is theirs. The short answer is that everything about my life is subject to their "aggressive imput" - which is more or less kissing cousins to "absolute control." It's been getting worse as the wedding approaches. My mother wanted to throw a big reception on her 25th anniversary, but my dad wouldn't let her...so why don't we guess where this thwarted desire is being channeled? What's that you say? Why, yes, she's pinning everything on my wedding. Head of the class. Ever since I finished up my last exam, I've let her puppeteer me around, trying on accessories, looking at gifts and scheduling appointments. Tonight the subject of photographs came up, and I'd just had enough. I'm tired of running my ass ragged and ignoring the other things I want to do just because my mother can't relax. I picked a bad time to start a fight, though: she'd been up all night and all day and what should've been a simple discussion made her absolutely hysterical. I swear to god, I must have had a brain tumor when I decided to move in with my parents at 23. Temporary insanity. Sorry, Your Honour, I was drunk. Why do I feel like none of it's going to get me off the hook?
The clinic tomorrow. I need birth control pills by the end of the day or I'm screwed. Metaphorically, that is. Can't figure out what my body's doing with itself these days, and I'm worried about what that might mean. As I remarked to Julie Gloom last week, when you stop worrying about disease, all the free-floating sexual anxiety funnels into a fear of pregnancy. Now would be a particularly terrible and awkward time to swell up like a seed pod. But all I can do is hope for the best...and then if things don't pan out, I have lots of practice dealing with anger & shame.
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