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July 20, 1999.Ok. Remember how I made such a big fuss over everything yesterday, good things & bad things? Well, I've changed my mind a bit. First of all, my girls are settling nicely, and starting to trust me a bit. This is especially important in the case of little Allergia, as she will get nothing to eat if she won't talk to me. Second of all, I've decided that the meditation instructor is a fruit & nut bar. I can't abide people who don't believe in science and don't bother to get the facts straight when they do quote scientists. His idea of eastern mysticism also seems quite shallow, although that could be the result of teaching a course to 9 year olds. I guess my biggest problem with him is that he encourages the kids to say anything about past lives and alien reincarnation without their ideas being open to debate. I try to keep a balance between having an open mind & being a sucker, so I'm not going to insist that my tiny perception of "reality" is by any means correct. What I object to is this sort of broad-based acceptance of the wacky, in which the kids inject themselves with some of this Weekly World News/x-files glitter. These kids shouldn't learn that rumours of past lives make them special: every life is interesting and strange beyond belief...if we don't devalue some experiences and overvalue others. He's a Romantic, without having any idea of what that really means. "not fully naked do we come, but trailing clouds of glory..." Other than that, my relationship to the camp as a whole has improved immeasurably. I'm not putting the kids off me with shyness as much, and I'm not in a situation like computer class anymore. That makes a big difference: there I was responsible for the discipline and thus I was the perpetual heavy. I think this'll greatly improve my mood as camp wears on...I'm no longer an alien observer, I'm a counselor. And there was much rejoicing.
9:45 p.m. yesterday, on the way to dinner "amoret, what's a 'fuck shop'?" Looks like I'm shit out of luck on the LCG issue. All she really needed was a good night's sleep and she was ready to face the world again. Interestingly enough, I heard through the grapevine that she hates her counselor for being lazy and misses me. Glow. I'm spending a hell of a lot of time in Food Services lately. What with Allergia being so silent on her basic needs, I had to find a way around it...so I plot out every meal in advance and make sure she'll have enough to eat. It's something I do with mixed feelings - on the one hand, I get a lot of support from my peers about the lengths I'm going to to keep her alive, but on the other hand, she's a surly little cunt without one word of acknowledgement (let alone thanks). Example: I'll talk to her directly about the lengths I'm going to in an effort to make her feel more comfortable with the environment. At first I expected thanks, now I don't even expect acknowledgement of my presence. I decided that I might be able to nudge her towards thanks by talking to myself purposefully, like so: me - I've figured out all your meals, and it'll be posted in the townhouse so that you know what you're getting. My other kids get the drift of this, and they themselves have started to do the conversations when Allergia's being a jerk. They also support me when her behavior is really outrageously bad, as it was during dinner last night. I was already seated and she yanked her chair out, hitting me on the shins in the process. I yelped, of course, and she muttered, "next time watch where you put your legs."
I was furious. "Gee, Amoret, I'm really sorry I hit you in the shins." Nothing. But then the others chimed in & she grudgingly apologized. They're my only civilizing influence on her right now. She'll respond to the other counselors, but not to me...since I'm the one who has to deal with her disgusting table manners and her obnoxious "insomnia" and her general lack of communication, I get to be the focus of her dislike. It's not a big problem for me, though...I thoroughly dislike her as well. It's going to be an interesting session.
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