I'm angry and cranky and tense today. I went in for my 45 Minutes of Defensiveness this morning, which was fine & good & so forth. But when I tried to broach the subject of conflicting expectations with my host teacher, she brushed off my concerns and justified my negative supervision report by picking apart my general knowledge (by the way, all of this criticism centres around the fact that I answered incorrectly 2 questions about escarpments 4 weeks ago). I get the sense that she will go along with anything my supervisor says simply because he is my supervisor - and then she'll twist her opinions into his even if they're radically different. Result: anger, crankiness & tension.
I feel more than ever that I'm playing an elaborate game that I can never win because the rules keep changing. Oh well. Can't do anything until a three-way meeting next month; if that one goes badly then I'll put in a request to change assignments. I get the sense that I'm being a bit of a sucker for putting up with this BS for so long, and that most of my peers would've found a way to succeed or transferred out right away. The big thing for me right now is not caving and taking a quick way out when my feelings get hurt - because they get hurt a lot, and realistically that's no reason to rock the boat.
I dunno. I hate being in this position.
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"I like the cut of his gibberish."
- army guy re: the tick
I had a good time in afternoon class, though. During the break my percussionist friend Mr. Avalanche came over to check in on me, and we spent a cheerful 15 minutes trading inanities. (I told him about wearing my wedding dress on New Year's Eve & throwing a chunk of pickled herring to the Boy, who caught it in his mouth and made seal noises. He told me about taking months of tango lessons while he was working on a cruise ship, and that when they finally pulled into Buenos Aeries, they arrived on the day of rest. Tag line: "There was no tango in Buenos Aeries! I was so depressed that I just lay in my bunk the whole next day.")
I found it really touching that he came over to check on me at all; we know each other fairly well from various classes and the coffeehouse shenanigans, but he lives in his head a lot and is rather shy about coming out. He came over because he has been bothered by the idea that I might flunk, which is wonderful and unexpected.
Because, well, it's nice to feel cared for. The Boy does an excellent job of that, of course, but there's only so much support he can offer - he has to keep himself together, you know. And, as we have established, I'm rather neurotic.
* * *
4 years ago today: the best relationship of my life
