wedding blues part 2, continued

Guess what? I'm homophobic!

At least, that's what my grandmother has decided. Remember how she was all out of joint because we refused to invite my uncle's ex-lover? Well, she's been at my mother again. And she told the originator of all this (i.e. my uncle) that the reason we won't invite him (the ex-lover) is because we're homophobic.

Never mind that she considered the two of them just roommates for a decade, even when it was painfully obvious that their relationship extended beyond shared accommodations - i.e. one bed. But deep-seated denial isn't what this is about...because she's grudgingly accepted that her son is "in show business," I suppose she thinks she's the most open-minded person in existence.

So now I'm homophobic. I'm so homophobic, I invited my uncle's new boyfriend. I'm so homophobic, I've invited Sven - a man who has frequently confessed a crush on my future groom. Yeah.

What kills me is not just the staggering inappropriateness of her repeated queries ("so, have you changed your mind yet?"). No, it's the fact that both her and my uncle have used the charge of homophobia to pistol whip my mother and I every time they don't get their petty little way. Example: 8 years ago, we were on vacation with my uncle and the man who was then his lover (and who now is the centre of all this controversy). We were sharing some expenses, and Mom ended up buying a bunch of groceries for the person we were staying with...as a repayment of our host's hospitality, dig. So what happens when she asks my uncle for his share? He starts accusing her of being a spendthrift, starts taking shots at her character, and then accuses her of homophobia. He didn't stop until we were both in tears. I stopped speaking to him for about 5 years as a result.

Looking at the situation now, I have to conclude that his asshole tendencies have a way of spreading. No pun intended, I assure you.

At work, the people are slowly becoming aware of me as more than just a speck in their peripheral vision. I suppose that all temps have this period of testing. I just took it for disinterest in me.

Went to Sally's ordination on Tuesday night after class. Pretty stuff. I wished I could've stayed for the party, but I had to content myself with a half hour of punch & conversation in the church basement before going home. I felt oddly small standing next to Dirk, Paris & the Boy, like I was pixie-sized. This is a feeling I remember from my teenage years - well, I hung out with a lot of tall guys. Football team guys and basketball team guys & just plain big guys. By now I've almost forgotten how good it feels to be tiny & delicate in comparison to your fellows. It feels very good indeed.

Very weird scene on the subway. I was on the homeward run, slouched over a copy of The Drawing of the Three (I know I have low taste in literature, shut up), when I slowly began to notice the girl in the seat in front of me. We were sitting crossways and I could see the book she was actively underlining better than her face. For a minute I tried to figure out what book it was, then I gave up & glanced at her face. And it was the girl I've known since I was 5 years old, the very same girl who is now doing her Masters at my university.

I couldn't believe we had ridden so close for so long - our knees almost touching! - without seeing each other. I began to wonder if she was ignoring me. I wanted to break the silence, but something held me back...and the longer this went on, the weirder I felt. Finally I was in an agony of discomfort. I wanted to duck away before she could see me & wonder why I was staring at her without saying anything.

When the train stopped, I swung up & away in a flash. I wanted to talk to her, but felt far too embarrassed. But as I was going down the escalator & berating myself for a fool, I heard her calling my name behind me. I turned and she was beaming. I realized that she hadn't known I was there either.

I felt like an idiot and I acted like one in the ensuing conversation. Suave & sophisticated I am not. But I suppose you figured that out already.