April 17, 1999.

I'm in one of my nothing to do pre-funk funks. To clarify, I'm not quite depressed and bored, but I certainly have that potential in me. I could defect at any minute, folks. I get into these moods when I awake on a weekend after the full compliment of sleep (10 hrs). All of my meaningful chores are done, leaving only consumer therapy. And I've spent too much goddamn money this week to do that. I'm not unhappy, really, just at a bit of a loss.

I could phone people, but I don't want to presume. Isn't that ridiculous? I don't want to burden my friends with talking to me. Besides, they're all too busy to do anything. Except that's crap. A lot of them are busy or sick or in another city, but not all.

And besides, I have 128 messages in my inbox. I haven't answered email since the 18th of February. I suck. But do you see me answering them?

It is because of moods like this that I ended up with all of the Sandman graphic novels within 3 months. Consumer therapy on contented yet empty afternoons. Gah. I sicken myself with my abundance of contentment.

Gah.

five hours later...

I'm down to 55...but I only answered about 6. I really need to clean out the refuse more frequently. Should have March nailed down in the next couple days...

Banal banal banal. Too much leisure and my writing turns to crap. Apologies.

Last night I woke up suddenly from a typically disturbing dream with no relevant details, certain I had figured out what was wrong with me. I've been all fidgety & tense around the Boy lately, something that annoys me more than anyone else.

I think it's because we have not stopped talking about marriage - in the concrete and the abstract - since we began dating. It seemed inevitable, with the three marriages in his family, including his younger sister.

Which is fine. A mental exercise is a mental exercise is a mental exercise. I've been idly planning my wedding since I first learned to meaning of the word. But now I'm starting to feel...I guess rushed and trapped is the best description. I feel like the Boy and I are solving for x too quickly. We've only been dating for 10 months. Sure, that's a long time in fruit fly years, but I'm starting to feel railroaded.

It's not his fault. We just haven't known when to stop the theoretical debate. The line needs to be drawn before I get anymore squirrely and alienate him entirely.

I'm not adverse to that card being in the deck for us, I'd just prefer to draw it a little later on.