September 1, 1999.

So. In case you haven't noticed, I've been in a huge funk lately. It's gotten to the point where I don't want to do the next thing, regardless of what that thing is. I'd rather crouch in the a/c with old scifi during the day and cry when it gets dark. I'm having trouble figuring out why I feel like this. The typical explanations - hate living with my parents, worried about not making enough money to get into teacher's college, loneliness in restricted social life & accompanying feeling of not being worthy for anyone's company - have all been tried, but they don't seem right. Or they don't seem enough. I'm not just terrified of not doing thing the thing I want, I'm terrified of wanting the wrong things. I'm terrified of being a bad teacher. I'm terrified of everything being my fault.

So I haven't been writing much. It just doesn't seem worth it. Not a lot does.

On a considerably less teen angst note, I talked to the principal of my old junior high about volunteering this year. She's the mother of one of my ex-camp-co-workers, which makes her that much easier to talk to. But damn, is she ever efficient. I got there 15 minutes early and I was out the door before my appointment was even scheduled to start. In that time, she'd introduced me to a few people, set up another appointment for next week and determined my academic standing, motivation, schedule & goals to her own satisfaction. As Spider Robinson once said about Alfred Bester, she extracted my life story in 2 minutes without anaesthetic. Scary, but it's kinda nice being with someone who doesn't dick you around with formality & hierarchy.

Speaking of such things, I haven't had another assignment yet. People are telling me to sign up with another agency to have something to bounce off of. It's good advice...which doesn't mean that I feel motivated enough to follow it. I suppose that if tomorrow comes & goes without a call, I'll get another resume together. Standardized software competency testing - yay!

It was because of this lack of assignment that I was able to spend the last few days hanging out in Froghopper Nook. It was nice to see Q & Pixie Stix after so long, even though they've got problems of their own these days. Q seems more depressed than usual...although he did smack a huge package of havarti cheese against his head for the sheer joy of it. So there you go.

Whilst in the fair metropolis, I tried to buy text books. I should've known that I couldn't beat the odds that way...neither of my professors have even ordered course materials(!) I have no idea how I'm supposed to get a hold of texts with my schedule. The again, if this little unpaid holiday continues, I'll have all the leisure I need.

Bah. What a depressing thought.