May 25, 1999.

Re: art

Perhaps this explains my muse complex...I cannot create Art, so I must fling myself into another's genius to achieve immortality.

By the way, Keats had the same problems as myself. Of course, he was a brilliant poet in his own right, but we still share the basic feeling of being humbled before the edifice of Art. We both have doubt in our own capabilities to match the splendor on display. Read the "Upon looking into" sonnets if you don't believe me.

I've been working like a dog this Victoria Day weekend. Bear in mind that I'm an English major, so 4 or 5 hours of note-taking spread over a day seems like cruel & unusual punishment. You mean I can't curl up with a novel? Drat.

My anxiety about the work is making me into the kind of person I dislike...i.e. the "no, I have to go study foreign policy this weekend instead of watching you get done up on e" kind of person. I hate not having slack built into the schedule. I hate knowing that a couple hours of effort a day won't cut it. I'm trying not to hate Canadian foreign policy, but it's becoming difficult.

I've been crying a lot. My self-loathing is at high tide. I keep acting like an asshole to Q & Pixie Stix.

I need to settle down, I think.

"He thought, I have no idea what I am supposed to be or what I'm supposed to do. First she wants me for my body, then she wants me as an employee, then she doesn't want me at all. I don't know whether I'm supposed to kiss her or fill out an application. I feel like one of those nervous little dogs from an electroshock test. Have a bone, Spot. Zap! You didn't really want that, did you?"

- bloodsucking fiends

So I'm back on the camp employee list again.

Yeah, yeah, I know. Stop confusing you poor people. How do you think I feel? I signed up for classes, went to a lecture, got ready to buy texts, signed up for a phone, told res I'd be staying until the end of the summer...and now my life has turned over once again. Zap! You didn't really want to get all of your academics out of the way, did you?

Apparently the numbers have changed again. I take this to mean that a bunch of counselors got fed up with the 2-month-overdue confirmations and made other plans. And they need me to fill their place.

But you know what makes it really diabolical? Not the $55 phone installation fee. Not the stress of registering and then un-registering. Not the anticipation of 4 months of non-parentally supervised bliss. It's the fact that today - TODAY! - is the final add/drop date. Last night they called me at my parents, but my phone wasn't working here. I was left biting my nails...if they called after 11 today, I wouldn't be able to accept...would I? $235 is a lot of (my parents') money to lose for a late un-registration. Need the courses. Need the experience. Need parental good will.

They called this morning to confirm the offer. I gave them a tentative yes, explaining my commitment to academics if I missed the drop date. After the conversation, I dropped the courses...so now all I need to do is confirm.

I'm feeling pessimistic. How long do you think it'll take before they reverse their position? I can't bounce back anymore, there's no more time.