It's started again: I've put my body on practicum autopilot. I am no longer a girl of flesh and blood and secretions; I'm just a pedagogy machine (and I don't teach for nobody but you...) Dinners have become a matter of deciding what can be heated or boiled, shoved in my food hole and forgotten. Showers are just to keep the machine from stinking. Basic maintenance at this point.
Except...
I had my first weeping spell this morning while getting dressed. I'm horribly frustrated, tired, tense and sad most of the time; today it came out. I'm just happy that in two full days of teaching, I've only burst into tears once. It won't be the last time, but I hope that it will be one of the only times.
* * *
As for the practicum itself, it goes. I taught two lessons yesterday (yes, on my first day back) and four lessons this morning. I have five more to go before the week is done. At least I'm over the hump as it were. SuperTeacher remains a psycho hosebeast, friendly one moment and scathing the next. She is the undisputed mistress of the backbiting comment be it left-handed or direct, faint praise or full-blown disapproval. Yesterday she casually accused me of setting her schedule back a month, something I've never heard before and wouldn't atone for even if I did.
She did, however, say that each of my lessons were well done, and that I improved amazingly as the day went on. One comment I remember particularly: she actually said that she was amazed how much better I was now compared to last semester. This made me glow pleasantly. I mean, I think I was pretty damn good last semester, but this time I am better able to play the game. The name of the game, of course, is "Be SuperTeacher." I tried to fight it last time and carve out my own way, but I was butting my head against the wall. The kids expect a carrot & stick approach to motivation so they respond well to it...which means that my evaluations are more positive. The fact that I hate being this kind of person has nothing to do with anything, at least not to O:NtFP.
* * *
3 years ago today: she meant what you think she meant
