june 23, 2000.

This morning my mom went off to exercise class without me, which is a good thing. I was still half-asleep & I wanted time to think about the wonderful dream just passed, in which a beautiful goth boy from my highschool days started singing to me in an obvious attempt to woo. On the average, men in my dreams are ugly or threatening or old - apparently my self-conscious has been reading those chick magazines about self-esteem. Or - horrid thought! - perhaps beautiful goth boys are now the object of fixation because I'm getting married & therefore cut off forever. Not that I'd know what to do with a beautiful goth boy if I had one...

But still.

Similar elements, although this actually took place last Saturday. The music at the fetish masquerade was very very loud (and we were sitting under a speaker, rendering normal speech impossible.) To compensate, there was a lot of significant glances tossed around among my party, eked out by dumbshow, shouted comments and the occasional mock cat fight ("This is how we girls settle our differences - in bikinis, wrestling in jello!"). Sometimes this led to confusion - for instance, the light was also very dim and once I gave a long, significant look to a total stranger, thinking that he was Dav. Eep!

Being that our main mode of communication was eye contact, it made me hyper-aware of intent. So when Stacy got up to get a drink & I caught Dirk's eye & he thought I was initiating "conversation" with him, I had to be honest.

"I was just watching Stacy walk and you happened to be in the path of my gaze."

He makes a face. "Why were you watching Stacy walk?"

I register amused disbelief. "Why wouldn't you watch Stacy walk??" And later, something occurred to me. "So when you're friends with someone, you block out how attractive they are?"

"Pretty much."

I can't do that myself; I much prefer to appreciate everything about people along with their mental qualities. What can I say - I'm a gestalt kinda girl. But I'm sure it keeps him out of the kind of trouble I used to get into constantly. For example, the exquisite pain of being in love with my best friend's boyfriend all through highschool (and bear in mind, the embarrassment of any feelings in highschool are greatly compounded by the ability - nay, the very need - to write terrible mopey poetry about said person.) I'm not sure if it's economy of emotion or just a very elaborate form of self-torture, but either way I constantly develop crushes on my untouchable friends.

Although, very much like the ethereal goth boy of my dream, I wouldn't know what to do with one if I had it.

I have to confess, I'm not very good at the whole relationship thing. In fact "not very good" is being extremely generous. I had to be pursued at great lengths by both of my boyfriends before anything became mutual. I didn't have a date until shortly before my 18th birthday, folks (yes, that's my picture next to "hopeless" in your 1976-94 dictionaries). My development in this area is so arrested that I'm honestly surprised to be getting married this young, and to somebody as complete and wonderful as the Boy. Nevertheless, the invitations were finished yesterday, we're picking up our bands today and in 58 days I'll be an old married lady. Gah.