July 31, 1999.

"Hey Paul hey Paul hey Paul let's have a ball..."

I love the Pixies. Love love love. Yet another musical group to add to the "things I should've appreciated in highschool when that was cutting edge & cool" list.

Camp is over. Over over over. (I'm starting all my paragraphs like this from now on - declarative sentence, and then adjective/verb three times). I haven't had a chance to write since Wednesday, as the days have been busier, my access to computers less and my weariness an exponentially larger amount. It was a good tired, though. On Wednesday the Chips faked us out large by rerouting Heads Up to a different building, decorating the place, buying food & hiring a dj(!) We danced in our pjs until 1:30, and though I was a bit uncomfortable with the structure (we all danced in a circle, which meant I enjoyed maximum self-consciousness all night), it was still a good time. One of the other counselors & I decided to go raving this month as a direct result.

"I miss your soup and I miss your bread and a letter in your writin' doesn't mean you're not dead..."

(Pixies interjection.)

Thursday was the last day of classes and showcase (i.e. parent's night). It was also the day that my house disintegrated, amusingly and not. The amusing part was Allergia leaning too close to one of those hand-held fans and getting her hair all tangled up in it. I'm told she came to the t.a. with a fan stuck to her head. I laughed for the whole day...not because she's a nasty kid, but because she's so spastic that it's just a typical development.

Codyanne also got into an accident that day, hurting her hand in Ultimate Sports and getting accidentally kicked in the lunch line by a secondary. She cried for 5 full minutes after that last one, although the girl who kicked her apologized on 2 non-consecutive occasions. What can I say...she's a sensitive, serious, tightly wound little girl. Watching her family, it wasn't hard to figure out why: her little sisters got separated from the parents for about a minute and they started wailing immediately...and her father continually wears the same sour expression as she does. That didn't so much make me laugh as smile bitterly.

Other than that Thursday was pretty rocky. The Boy came to visit & we launched into a 2-hour argument shortly after. He still hasn't gotten over losing the job in January, and he more or less made me miserable by refusing to follow me into a group of counselors or any other official manifestation of camp life. Yeah. You know the story from here...there was shouting and sulking and accusations and I cried a lot like I always do. But eventually things were patched up and we entered the last night food party together.

I was also upset about Rex generally. I don't believe I've spoken about this in a few weeks, but nothing really has changed. I still want him to like me and I still envy his girlfriend. I found out for sure that they were fucking Thursday, which made me slightly less upset than before. It's not because I have a crush on him - I've done a lot of thinking about my reaction to him, and it's not love in that sense - it's because she remains completely aloof from us and I resent the fact that he spends so much time & energy on this suckhole of social energy. I wish they would fucking break up, simply because I don't want her around. I spent all Wednesday night in a dream world where she was the most popular figure...which translated to 6 hours of misery and hatred. I really really dislike her. I think that she's my nemesis, not Laura...it's a more subtle evil, but it's there.

(You must remember at this point that I'm also frightfully jealous of her looks, her wardrobe and her ease in dealing with the kids. Please tally that into whatever invective I spew.)

But we did stay up en mass until 3 a.m., being a lot less inhibited than at any other point in camp. I heard stories that never made it into general circulation about the other counselors. Such as the "I can do it if you push my head" story. Yeah.

And yesterday was the last day of camp. It was an amazingly intense experience, and I guess proper closure isn't possible. Still, I feel at a loss. Wrote warm fuzzies under protest yesterday, but found that it was 100x easier. I knew what to say to everyone, even Rex's girlf, and it was all sincere. The ones to me also showed a marked increase in quality:

"You are...a wonderful person to know."
"I'm sure you've written lots in your 'tell-all' book. I'm so curious!" (Rainbow, of course)
"I think the world would benefit from more free-thinkers like yourself."
"You are a crazy girl. I love it."
"I'm glad I haven't ever met the real you!!"
"hey you. let's go raving."
"Amoret you are neat. You have pink shoes on your feet."
"Who else would see Jesus in their O.J.?"
"Come back next year & keep in touch."
"Thanks for always making me laugh!"
"You are one that I could always talk to about anything."
"Why don't you wear more pink?"

I got "you have a unique sense of humour" a lot. I hadn't realized. As Carrie Fisher says in When Harry Met Sally..., "everyone thinks they've got good taste and a sense of humour. They can't all be right."

So. I went to sleep at 6 p.m. last night & stayed unconscious for a good 13 hours. Sleep sleep sleep. (I told you). I'm feeling kind of restless already...moving back into my parents house always me feel a bit antsy. I have too much stuff to fit in my tiny little room...especially when it's been used as a storage closet for 11 months. Oh well, I've got to suck it up for 13 months at the maximum. Then I'll have a career. I'll still be in a state of flux (have you been paying attention to how they treat teachers lately?) but at least I don't have to tell myself that staying at home is necessary anymore.

Sigh. I feel like such a suck. Pixie Stix has been out of the house since highschool and I have an Honours degree from the best university in Canada. Yet I allow myself to yo yo back into my parent's house. Yay, me.

"Tell me your fears, I said, 'losing my penis to a whore with disease'"

(Another Pixies interjection)

And that's all for July.