July 9, 1999.

11:06

I didn't sleep at all last night. You know that feeling when a hundred thoughts are running a hamster wheel in your head, and you're planning tomorrow & sorrowing over the defeats of the past day & worrying about vague daymares and then it's 1:30 a.m. I woke up at 6:30 for no particular reason, just to add to the fun. Blech. I'm so looking forward to going home.

I can't believe my cousin's getting married tomorrow. He was always my favorite cousin: where I was shy & messy & lacked style, he exuded charisma before I knew what to call it. When I was very little, I wanted to get married to him. That feeling faded through the long dark springtime of childhood, but we still speak the same language. There aren't many relatives on that side who honestly like me...this isn't a persecution complex, this is reality. Their boxes aren't my boxes. But we can talk, he & I.

I'm not very happy about the marriage. I'm convinced that they know exactly what they're getting into, but their values aren't my values. Marriage is an incredibly powerful lifestage. With enough work, it can lead to transcendence...and I don't like to see it seemingly squandered on mere security.