July 7, 1999.

11:30

I've had a buggardly time finding the leisure to write in the last few days. Breakfast, meetings, meetings, meetings, 30 minutes on line to keep in touch & satisfy my craving before I T.A. Internet class, lunch, meetings, meetings, play time, dinner, playtime, bedtime, meeting, night patrol, shower, fall into bed. I'm cranky today: I had the last night patrol shift and i didn't get to bed until 1 a.m. It's kind of a big deal if you have to get up at 7:30.

Complain complain complain. At least it was cooler last night.

The party last night sucked. There were too many people just drinking pop and talking about camp to have a real party, I guess. The theme was grade 8 (everything is a theme here), and since there was lots of snacks, no booze, and an uncomfortable atmosphere, if was very like grade 8. I expected different things of a party, I guess. It's not that I need to drink to have a good time, it's that nobody came out of themselves even for a minute. I started feeling very very lonely - wanted to shout, "somebody pay attention to me!" but I knew it wasn't the right crowd. I knew that if I was at a proper party, Dav would pay attention to me, and that only made it worse. Fortunately, my patrol partner and a couple others came over & started talking about beanie babies & I was immensely cheered for no apparent reason. I guess I was in the "nobody likes me" dumps which is just homesickness with a less dignified name.

Was thinking in the shower last night about the energy it takes to be a girlfriend. I think this is why I feel such an intoxicating upsurge of energy here: for once I'm free of the day to day bureaucracy of keeping my life in lockstep with someone in another city. It's not that I feel oppressed by that drain - I'm lucky to have the chance to be tired - it's just that it's nice to be free of that once in a while & find out if there's any substance under the details of emotional commitments you take for granted. My only girlfriend duty here is to love, and that I can do so effortlessly makes me happy.

10:07

There's a schism developing between counselors who want to relax & let things happen and counselors who want to plan everything in excruciating detail and adhere to the plans as if they were brought down Mt. Sinai by Moses. Both sides are getting totally pissed off, and it's getting personal. Rex says that the problem is the young counselors - they're all achievement-leadership types with impressive credentials. Relaxing isn't their strong suit. (St. Jack is positive that most of them are virgins, but we won't go into that.) Each activity finds itself anyway, no matter how much planning...obviously, I'm of the hang loose variety.

One of the side effects of this job is more confidence in my parenting abilities. More than ever, I'm kind of ready to begin thinking about maybe starting to picture myself as some sort of mom. If only Gordie Howe was still available.

My girls are planning a rain dance for tomorrow's breakfast. I had to give them a few shoves in the performing direction, but they almost seem excited. I mean, as excited as they can be. They're almost completely self-absorbed, with a 10-year-old intensity that even Hollywooders can't match.

My Little China Girl continues to be irresistible. She's so lovely & quiet & small & happy that other counselors are falling for her. I myself was gone on the 2nd day. It's impossible to adequately explain, but with her matched Sangrio clothing, her smile, and her quiet courage - by that I mean she takes risks that the others don't - she's just impossibly cute. The Franklin Mint could stamp a number on her foot and sell her to bored housewives.

One of my others - Janette - twisted her ankle tonight. She's by far the heaviest girl in the cabin (built like a downtown pigeon) & we needed male help to get her to the office. This effectively kills any chance I have of getting her to do anything but reading and cards in the late afternoon activity time. That's a bit annoying, too. She's very much like me in that she's afraid to take risks at things she may not be good at. I want to wean her a bit. Ten years old is way to young too start living in a box that small. But now my opportunity is gone, at least for the week. Shucks.

Heads up time in 20. After it's over, I'm going to sleep for 1000 years...or at least until 7:30. Yeah.