july 14, 2000.

There is a porno theater reasonably close to where the Boy lives, called the Metro Theater. Among the faded pictures of women and hand-lettered signs advertising their product, there is one sign that says, "We also sell car batteries." One day my friend Tymothi:J called them up to investigate. Needless to say, he never got his battery. But all of this is useful background for the following presentation.

The other day, Tymothi:J called the Mysterious Lady Upstairs. Not because he's a morning show-style asshole who wants a laugh at someone's expense, I'm positive. He's just never heard what curiosity did to the cat. In the tradition of scholarly exploration and prurient interest, a transcript follows. His comments are in square brackets. My substitutions are in swirly brackets.

Tymothi:J: Hi, ah, is {Mysterious Lady Upstairs} there?
Mysterious Lady Upstairs: [bouncily spoken] Yup!
T:J: I, uh, I saw your ad in Now?
MLU: Yeah, that's great.
T:J: Good.
MLU: So, is there anything specific you're wanting?
T:J: Uh, um, well, I guess I'm just, just sort of lonely.
MLU: So basically you just wanna get laid.
T:J: Uhhhhh, yeah.
MLU: Okay, well, let me tell you what I'm like. Um, first, uh, can I ask, are you over 18?
T:J: Yeah, I'm actually 26.
MLU: Oh, okay, um, cuz you sound a lot younger than that. [Screw you, I can't help it if I'm a tenor.]
MLU: Sorry.
T:J: That's okay.

MLU: Okay, well, (sounding like a dating service classified ad) I'm 22 years old, and I really am, I'm 5' 7", I've got blond hair and blue eyes, I'm 34B-23-32, I'm pretty tiny so if you're looking for a big silicone girl, I'm probably not for you.
T:J: No, uh, I like, um, small.
MLU: Good. So, are you looking for in or out?
T:J: Yeah, both.
MLU: What? No, I mean like me going over to you or you coming to me.
T:J: Oh, uh, I guess, like, you coming over?
MLU: Okay, where do you live?
T:J: Sort of the {Annex} area.
MLU: And are you looking for half an hour or an hour?
T:J: Um, what's the difference?
MLU: It's $115 for half an hour and $165 for an hour. Can you handle that?
T:J: Uh, yeah. Is there a difference if I come over there?
MLU: Yeah, I'm at {oh, like I'm going to tell you}, so it's cheaper over here, like $100 for half an hour.
T:J: Good. And it says that you're Greek?
MLU: No, that's, uh, like anal sex.
T:J: Oh. Sorry.

(Pause)

MLU: So, does it sound good to you?
T:J: Yeah, sounds good.
MLU: You want me to give you some time to decide?
T:J: Yeah, yeah.
MLU: Okay, bye!

T:J: Bye.

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