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December 17, 1999.Last night the Boy came over to hang out, and it was one of the few times in the last week that my feelings towards him haven't been choked in a wave of neurosis. See, I've been pretending that I'm Well Adjusted Bethrothèd, when every once in awhile, a little voice in me starts screaming in panic. She screams, "get out! stop this madness! get out before you have to take any responsibility for yourself!!" I don't think extended adolescence has been very good for me, overall. So yeah. The voice starts & the Boy floats into view, and my usual love for him doesn't well up...instead I feel distantly fond while I wonder if we'll turn each other into bitter twisted things a la Taylor & Burton. I've very scared. Mostly I'm scared about my own potential for evil. But I've scared that I'm not smart enough or clever enough to make this choice, and that when I find out, it'll be too late for everyone. The world will end, and I'll take all of you with me. But like I said, last night was easy & fun. I stopped worrying for awhile. Maybe I can stop worrying before I twist myself up into something truly evil. I hope so. There's nothing worse than going mad for no reason...unless it's doing it to yourself.
"Ugly Bob! What are you doing here?" - south park Today was talent show day at school. In a way, I welcome these occasions...they allow me to see what the kids are all excited about these days. And that would be a lot of Celine Dion. (shudder) On the bright side, I finally understood "No Scrubs" - although I don't really get pre-teens singing it. They don't really know the horror of being macked on after last call by sweaty guys with puke on their breath. Or do they? Hmm. I have to keep reminding myself that I am a nerd, and that my clubbing & carousing benchmarks do not hold for the general population. Although I do have cooler clothes than most of the kids. Today I wore my purple & black striped tights with a black baby doll dress and was roundly mocked by kids in the hallways. However, the teachers and my grade 6 students do not fear deviation to the same degree, and they liked 'em. Even though a few told me I looked like the Wicked Witch of the East, post-house. But I like that sort of comparison...nobody knows what she looked like under that house; she could've been a foxy chick with a penchant for goth bars like myself. Although I suppose the scene in Oz is a bit slow but for witches.
"you better keep your sisters-of-mercy-listening ass |
