august 5, 2000.

I'm watching a show on The Learning Channel about toddler beauty pageant contestants. Wow, what a complete freakshow. From the special bridge designed to hide the loss of baby teeth to the aggressive "I'm not a stage mom" attitudes of the stage moms, it's incredibly surreal. These kids take a 500 mile round trip once a week for singing lessons. Their moms consider it a job. They seem to miss the irony in working out a routine for "Everything's Coming Up Roses," while their offspring fling out their arms & sing in nasal 4 year old drones.

"This outfit cost a thousand dollars. Her father thinks we should put the money in the bank, to gather interest for her education. But I think this is an education. She's learning to sing and be in front of people...skills she'll use her whole life."

Grown women treating their flesh & blood like living Barbie dolls. It's beyond disgusting. It's like a hundred and fifty years of feminism never happened. As if I needed another set of proofs: people show consistent surprise when I say I'm keeping my own name. They usually ask me three or four times, just to be sure they're hearing me correctly. Holy cow.

~{@}~

I feel as if the quality of these entries is degenerating lately. I just can't be happy, can I? I finally have the leisure to write, so now I feel guilty about quality. Crap crap crap. Just shut up mind. Shut up.

this mental interlude brought to you by chicken soup. chicken soup - the non-opiate alternative to midol

This hasn't been a great day. I'm pretty deep in the doldrums, truth be told. Ever since I got the dosage changed on my birth control pills, my personal plumbing has gone as crazy as that of the Boy. Since his roof fell in, maybe that's not such a good analogy. (Yet.) I can't do anything for more than an hour without feeling dizzy & nauseated. I'm also on a big self-doubting/pity trip these last few days, feeling very isolated from friends & good times. I just don't know where I am any more...all I know is that I'm not feeling too good while I'm here.

Yup, I'm having fun fun fun while the Boy's stag roars on in the city. Hoo boy.

~{@}~

In a transparent attempt to bolster my spirits, I will compose a list of recent accomplishments:

• hammering out a seating arrangement
• writing thank you notes to everybody at my last 2 showers (33 in total)
• starting my student loan paperwork
• cleaning up my area of the downstairs
• only calling the Boy twice out of loneliness/boredom during the afternoon of his barbecue/stag