april 26, 2002.

She awakes, easily and naturally on the last day of her practicum. The alarm will go off in fifteen minutes, but somehow she's managed to set her internal clock to go off at 6:30. Pretty neat she thinks as she stumbles, yawning, to the kitchen, where her trusty laptop awaits.

Holy Jesus and Mary Chain. Is it the last day of practicum today?? I cannot believe that I've made it this far...I guess the pervasive emotional numbness helped to shield me from the passage of time. I fully expect to wake up tomorrow and see that I've been reset to April 2nd. It's all been an elaborate hallucination! That sanity is such a trickster! Happy April Fools! And then I get to tell everyone about April Genius Day again.

I suppose that the time has come to tally up the successes and failures of the various superstitious devices I employed this spring to keep everything running smoothly.

Item #1: The cartilage piercing. This piercing, while providing suitable amounts of pain at first, was simply too well-done to do anything but heal rapidly and cleanly. However, every time I look in the mirror, the little earring makes me smile. It's very pretty.

Item #2: The manifesto. Although my experience was 100x better this spring than it was last winter, every once in awhile I would get caught up in the minutia, and I'd need to remind myself that I had one goal: to pass. Everything else, from my job prospects to my ultimate suitability to the teaching profession, was a distraction. So it worked, and it helped to have it on the fridge to look at every morning.

Item #3: Do-nothing Saturdays. This was okay some weekends. Other weekends I was simply too tightly wound to uncoil from the stress & apprehension. It was, however, a nice idea in principle: the one day on which I had absolutely no responsibilities, save the ones I chose for myself. I think I might keep this going.

Item #4: Yoga. This was a fantastic way to get in touch with myself again. Every Thursday after school I'd be so sore and aching that I'd want to go home & lie down...but by the time I left yoga, I'd feel aligned and flexible and able to walk a thousand miles. I'm so glad that I'll be seeing Lorax well into June.

Item #5: Various rewards for 'when this is over...'. Tomorrow I'll be getting the tattoo, which will be the first reward. I feel a bit self-indulgent, like I don't need the carrot anymore...but all the same, I'll probably continue to reward myself.

* * *

I talked to my mom this morning, as SuperTeacher asked me to ask my mother the nurse if hand sanitizers were effective at getting rid of icky adolescent germs. We soon drifted into conversation about other things, and she told me about the Bible study she had attended last night. Apparently, one of the men I've known my whole life is convinced that heaven is barred to all who do not affirm Jesus as his or her personal saviour. As you might guess, my mother is a little sceptical of this theory.

"I always thought that I'd get to ask God questions at the end of it...I never thought that God would grill me."

"You know what I think it's like, Mom? I think it's like getting evaluated as a student teacher. You do your thing while God watches quietly, and at the end of it you sit down together. God smiles at you kindly and asks you what was good about that, and what you would change if you could. And then God tells you what He observed."

I don't think she bought it...but I certainly found it a compelling metaphor.

* * *

4 p.m.

I PASSED!

After school was done, I went walking in the freezing rain. It was cold and wet and horrible, but I wanted to make the moment last. Just a fool in the rain. It was awesome.

Today was one of those high-energy Fridays that has sharp ups & downs. There was the usual pre-teen drama ("she said...and now she's...but she's...!!" add tears and stir) as well as the Friday afternoon yelling. After asking a girl to begin her work a dozen times, I made her write me a full page letter on why she wouldn't sit down and work. She greeted this consequence with the loud cry that it was "totally unfair!!" After every sentence, she would ask if she could stop. Halfway through, she crumpled the paper in a fit of rage. It was hilarious. The letter itself is equally priceless.

I wasn't working during 4th period because their was nothing assigned and I was very bored and I couldn't wait till lunch. I should of been working because it was class time and during class you have to work. I should learn to work during school because many teachers don't like it, I should always work when it's class time. People should be working during class time because it's your time. Class time is supposed to be work time and during class I shouldn't be socializing with my friends because you are my teacher and you have the right to make me write a letter to you.

I just don't think it's fair to make me write a page of why I should be working during class time. [she probably thought I'd miss this. Little does she know I'm publishing it on the Internet!!] I just hope you will forgive me for being sooo rude during your class. I now realize that I shouldn't waste your time or anyone eles's. Because for a teacher you plan lesson's and you need to get them done, I realize I wasted your working time by socializing when I could of be working on writing, reading or brainstorming ideas.