april 19, 2000.

"Maybe because so few of us would be able to give up something so fundamental for something so abstract, we protect ourselves from the nobility of a priest's vows by jeering at him when he can't live up to them, always and forever." She shivered and the slumped suddenly. "But Jimmy! What unnatural words. Always and forever. Those aren't human words, Jim. Not even stones are always and forever."

He had been taken aback by her vehemence. He thought that because she and George had been married so long, she'd have high standards for everyone. A promise is a promise, he wanted her to say, so he could be angry with Emilio and hate his father for leaving his mother and believe that it would be different for him, that he'd never lie or cheat or run out on his wife or have an affair. He wanted to believe that love, when it came to him, would be always and forever.

"Until you get the measure of your own soul, Jim, don't be so quick to condemn a priest, or anyone else for that matter....You know, I used to be a real hardass about stuff like this. No retreat, no surrender! But no? Jimmy, I honestly don't know if the world would be better or worse if we all held ourselves to the vows of our youth."

- the sparrow, mary doria russell.


I just about cried when I read that passage. Picture it: I'm sitting in the atrium during lunch break, just finished slopping away some left-over potato soup. There are co-workers scattered around and a bunch of vendor in the lobby like puppies in the pound. Very prosaic, very superficial. It's just that this passage is an articulation of everything I felt two years ago, right after Alexi had finally figured out where his best interests lay and I was trying to convince myself that I wasn't a faithless whore. Uphill work, especially when his friends - the very same people who used to be my friends - were so very ready to crucify me. Somebody had to pay for making a wreck of something that promising. I still give up a little of myself every once in awhile, my pound of flesh taken out bit by bit in hot flashes of guilt. I have only faded memories of that scarlet year. Yet I have yet to fully forgive myself for not being forever when I said forever.

divider

A very funny thing almost happened to me. I was talking idly to the Boy this morning when it suddenly hit me that I hadn't responded to Acadia's offer of acceptance. You see, when I decided to go forward, I forgot that I had to tell anyone. Christ, we're this close to booking an apartment next to the campus! But the registrar was very understanding, and I can make it all right.

See, it could've been horrible. As it is, it's just funny. Right?

back to basicsforward to death


go back to the index who am i? who are they me