september 29, 2001. This morning was the orientation meeting for SMILE (the program that pairs up special needs kids with university students to raise the self-esteem of the students through physical successes). I am not as terrified as I was, despite the fact that the program seems to be full of kinaeseology students (i.e. people who are in greater physical shape than myself & people who wear tear-away pants without irony). I think the hardest part for me will be to keep all the standards of behaviour, all the goals, and all the rules in my head while remaining positive & patient. Yes, it will be fantastic teacher practice. I'm still scared: scared that my kid won't like me, scared that I'll make a bunch of mistakes, scared that I won't be able to keep up with my kid. But I think that this is mostly just fear of the unknown, and once I meet my kid & work with him/her a few times, all my fears will float away like dandelion clocks. The Boy, on the other hand, is having the time of his life. We were split up during the orientation, which I think helped the both of us to come out of our shells a bit. Every time I caught sight of him across the room, he was either grinning, asking a question, or demonstrating an activity. I'm starting to think that this will be as much benefit to him physically as spiritually & emotionally - if he's already run around for 4 hours in the morning, our Saturday afternoon trip to the supermarket will be a snap! My back has been aching ever since last Thursday's yoga class. Admittedly, I probably didn't help matters by hiking an entire afternoon yesterday - my legs & feet ache a bit, too - but yoga was the start of it all. During class we sat cross-legged and straight-backed in what was supposed to be a relaxing posture. I found that by the second minute, I was trembling slightly all-over and there was a sharp pain in the center of my spine (one that I can feel now when I sit up at the computer). I like to think that this is simply my unused posture-muscles screaming in denial when I actually sit properly, and the more I sit correctly, the less pain I'll have. I'd hate to think that I was on the cusp of the kinds of back problems my mother suffered for years, although that's probably in my future if I don't stay the course with stretching exercises. The other thing about yoga that I keep returning to is the child posture we did near the end of the class. In it, you're kind of lying/sitting flat on the floor, folded up at the knees, leaning forward. The problem I have is that my knees, ankles and feet ache way too much for me to sit on them, so I spend most of my time in a weird semi-crouch that isn't anywhere close to the intended position. My instructor noticed this, and came over to talk to me about it. It was a hard conversation for me, as I spend a great deal of time in that class subconsciously expecting someone to recognize my unfitness and kick me out - having the instructor talk about my inflexibilities was almost more than I could take. She suggested a reflexologist, which would at least give me some jargon to spew at anyone who asks why I can't keep a crouch for more than 10 seconds. I don't know. this time last year: me, leading students to the glory of learning!