november 15, 2000. Tomorrow's forecast: rain. Friday's forecast: rain, possible flurries. Weekend forecast: rain. Today: buckets of rain, flooding the paths & lawns. There hasn't been a hint of sun since this blasted month began. Those of you farther inland will say that's what we get for living next to the Minas Basin. "London is drowning and I live by the river." Sigh. I feel rotten. To start with, I'm dreadfully homesick. (I originally typed, "TO start with, I'm dreadfully homesick." A common abbreviation of Toronto is TO. Freudian pun, I guess.) When I see news footage of Toronto (the Queen Street Silver Snail was on CBC this afternoon!!!!) or read harmless anecdotes of home, I'm reduced to toneless moaning. When I hear stuff from Stacy about fun things or boring things or just humans meeting humans things, I get very low. It's analogous to when I read her work but didn't know her: people were far removed, acting in spheres completely beyond my experience. Now I know exactly what an invitation to the Dance Cave from Q & Mary means and I want one too, impossibility be damned. I'm also medically sick. Over the course of yesterday, I developed a deep wet cough that rubs my throat raw. This morning it was so bad that I couldn't even talk to the Boy without going off into a coughing spell; we said our goodbyes in silence with sign-language and pantomime. I got through my afternoon class okay, but I'm not sure how well I'm going to do at the "Ugly Shirt/End of Year" party tonight. (In fact, I feel remarkably like I did on the night of Scott & Stacy's party, when I barely made it off the house and 2 martinis made me almost unconscious.) I wouldn't go at all tonight, except that I'm so damn lonely in my program. I've developed this amazing chameleon ability: I can enter any gathering without anyone taking notice of me. Sure, I can cloud men's minds but at what social cost? Then there's the fear. Practicum starts on Monday and I'm terrified. They expect me to teach "a modest amount of lessons" by the end of the week. What the hell does that mean, "modest"?! Yargh. Maybe I'm just a freak, but I don't remember student teachers doing a bloody thing in my classes. They sat at the back for a week, and that's the extent of their learning experience. I mean, I know the "out of the nest" technique will get me that much closer to competence, but holy cow! I'm paying tens of thousands of dollars to learn how to teach; I thought there'd be a little more hand-holding. As for now, I'm going to take an aspirin & lie down. Maybe I'll be better in 2 hours. (Ha.)