february 19, 2001. Today I have been married for 6 months. I would be celebrating, but the Boy is in the next province. No, I haven't mislaid him, he's supposed to be there. I'm careless, but I'm not that careless... I had a dream last night where I said to a class of high school students, "Don't ask me. I stopped understanding popular music in 1994." Then I started running across a muddy field so that I could buy milk and bread at the convenience store. But because it was really late at night, they insisted that we buy five items or more. There was also an animated sheep in there - somewhere. Vacation madness has set in, I guess. My dreams have been more & more important lately. Of course, I never remember any of them during the normal course of things. On weekday mornings when I'm busy doing things to prepare for the day ahead what's left is a sticky subconscious residue of unexamined emotion & a gestalt of unexperienced experience. For instance, I keep dreaming about being home in Toronto. But these are not the pleasant interludes I would like them to be - instead they represent the new face of my recurring anxiety dream. Before I would be about to take a calculus exam in a course I'd consistently skipped, fear and shame welling up in me...or I'd be trapped in an unfamiliar section of the dangerous city very late at night with no money in my pockets, scared witless and half-asleep...and now I'm in Toronto for a night out with Stacy Silvergrrl & Dirk Nightshade only I've forgotten my cool clothes or I'm at my parents' house with no way to get into the city. Shows how my priorities have shifted. I've reached the point where this has become a part of the spin-cycle tumble of my day-time thoughts, so I thought I'd see what Stacy could do about it. I described the situation to her, asking that she come pick me up in a shiny red convertible (which, now that I think about it, reflects on the time Scott came to pick me up in his little spy car.) I probably should've asked for an extra change of PVC clothes, too. You know. Just in case. It's one of those things that I would've never sent to a colleague at the department of ed. But I know better. In both Stacy & Dav, there is a beautiful tendency to take the lunatic sentence and run with it. They know exactly how serious to take me, they know how to have fun, and I love them intensely for it. Expect me to pop by to pick you up in that subconscious red convertible tonite. I'll be wearing a pvc ballgown and blaring Bauhaus from the speakers. Bring glitter. I spent the first day of my winter break puttering around the house, reading novels and fiddling with ideas. Sure, I'd rather be headed to the Dance Cave tonight instead of sorting through the sea of clothes surrounding my futon. I'd rather be haunting the stacks of Robarts while I search out Davies scholarship instead of verbally taunting the cat. I'd rather be stomping down College Street instead of dreaming slick twisted versions of it. But I have faith that there will be another chance to do these things. Today I discovered that I have a chance at two summer jobs, which makes me think that summer vacation isn't that far away. Summer vacation?! Eeeeee!