The thoughts & opinions of Sassarella, the Queen of Sass as she cavorts in 's Gravenhage & beyond. Brought to you by CES's (Chief Executive Slaves) of Big Skanky Ho Inc.
A few months ago when I was in Toronto, David did something very funny. Since then, maybe in some vain attempt to achieve fame and notoriety before he has to settle down and become a boring old newspaper hack who never gets any love or props from his nerdy shut-in fans, David has been bugging me to immortalise the moment.
Actually, he was very funny twice while I was in Toronto. But he doesn't want me to talk about the other time, so I won't. Good thing it's on tape somewhere.
But anyway, here is the Episode of the Mask.
David and I met up the first day I was in Toronto. He came by my mom's store to give me my Christmas present, which was basically a loot bag from the Beguiling, a screen-printed paper bag full of completely random goodies. There was a family picture taken in what looked like a high school gym; a picture ripped out of a 70s teen magazine with a Bay City Roller on one side and John Travolta on the other; a page ripped out of a colouring book; a stuffed toy in the shape of some kind of fish; some candy; a free comic book; and, of course, the mask.
The mask was a plastic oval, the kind of mask that covers the eyes and nose, with a stretchy string to go around your head to secure it in place. It was gold. It looked like the kind of mask that an 18 year old might wear while trick or treating or egging someone's house. I laughed and put it down. David picked it up. David put the mask on. Then David put his glasses on over it.
Okay, the way I've been talking about this so far, you might think that the sky opened up, the hand of Jesus came down to the accompaniment of the Hallelujah Chorus, and said "Blessed is he who wears the mask, for he shall save the wretched of the world."
Well, no. Actually Jesus said, "Shake it like a polaroid, David!"
Right.
Well, no. None of these things happened. I know I'm building this story up a little too much frankly. You're expecting great things, and the problem is that there isn't actually a story here, conventionally speaking. There's no beginning, middle or end, and not much in the way of plot. What basically happened was this: David put the mask on and kept it on for the next two hours, as we made our way up Yonge Street from College to Bloor (yeah, yeah, I know it doesn't take two freaking hours to walk that distance... we took our sweet time, ok?).
In this time, we went into a variety of stores, arguing all the way. David was having identity issues. Now that he was wearing a mask, he felt like he needed a new identity. In Curry's, as I shopped for a brush pen, he became Salesman, selling people the things they didn't even know they needed. We stopped in Propaganda, and in Dumo, where Dave was briefly, without even knowing it, Gay Man Goes Shopping, and in various used bookstores, and eventually ended up sitting in Harvey's, eating Puccini and waiting for David's dad to come pick him up.
Then he took the mask off, and Jesus said....
Oh, never mind. Basically, he didn't want to have the mask on when his dad showed so he wouldn't have to explain it. Instead he made me write this where he knew his dad would never find it.
I am having an ill-advised crush that I can't do anything about. Somebody distract me. posted by Alleen at 5:10:32 PM
Wednesday, April 07, 2004
I give up.
I wrote about the damn mask, ok? It took me an hour.
And then blogger ate my post.
Leave me alone, you big jerk. posted by Alleen at 10:56:49 AM
Tuesday, April 06, 2004
All right. I fess up. My real problem with the NERD video is that it's so damn crap. posted by Alleen at 9:48:24 AM
Monday, April 05, 2004
Whackaloon. That's the best thing I've ever heard.
Last night, in conversation with David, I came up with a proposal for a magazine. Well... maybe not a magazine. What I came up with is an idea that I may or may not take further. But... when it was in the form of a magazine, David and I were throwing possible names around (which is generally as far as I get with actually starting a magazine). I thought Nerd would have been a good idea, if not for the laughably bad Neptunes project. I mean, I love you and all, Pharrell (and props to Chad too, for once), but NERD sucks monkey ass. And that video? Please. How many times does Pharrell need to prove that all the bitches want to get with him? It's not enough to be rich and successful, pal? You really need women jumping all over you in every video? Well, la-di-da, Pharrell. You can make the music sound as weird and freaky as you want. You can even make special effects where when you sing "Her ass is a spaceship I want to ride," you actually appear to be a riding in an ass spaceship. You can wear skater clothes and cover yourself in freaky tattoos. You can have every hip hop star on the planet banging down your door. In the end, Pharrell, it doesn't matter, because you're still just as cheesy as that dude from Whitesnake. Go find Tawny Kitaen and take her to the skate park. Maybe she wants to move.
But anyway. So we discounted Nerd as a possible name and immediately settled on the next available alternative, which was Geek. David thought this needed more of a twist to appeal to the younger generation, and came up with Gizzzeek. Which would naturally be the best name for my mizzzagazine.
Gizzzeek Mizzzagazine.
Hitting the newsstands in the near future, y'all.
Now don't get all excited. posted by Alleen at 9:36:52 AM
